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Yes, this is going to be a long post. For those of you who have read some of my previous “long posts”, this one is definitely longer. I make no apologies for this. It is important for me to offer this to you. I make no promises as to where this may take you should you choose to continue reading. Know that the following is part of an ongoing personal journey.
I would like to share with you a recent musical life experience. You could call it a “gig”. Well not a paying gig, although it was perhaps the most enriching gig yet. But then again the cost could be considered the highest so far. As I am writing, I struggle to find words that can explain the current simultaneous feelings of emptiness and fulfillment, the warmth of growing through a sad journey. This is a story of discovering some of what I did not know that “I didn’t know”. This is a tale of being human, of reaching out on the path of allowing me to become more human. There are times in life when many of us focus our attention on what some may consider mundane. Other times we may be passionate about physical objects or we may be deeply invested in a relationship. How many of us have regretted a missed opportunity or avoided taking the first step towards an unknown, uncomfortable and potentially emotionally challenging experience? Yep, been there, done that! Yep, still there, still doing that… I’m not suggesting that “the mundane” is in any way intrinsically wrong, but how well does it serve me if it is only an avoidance tool, often avoiding something out of laziness, out of apprehension or out of fear. Sometimes we avoid in the hope of “it” going away. Sadly, we often avoid until it’s too late! I believe it is healthy to ask questions in the hope of gaining a better understanding of how we live, how we feel, how we grow and how we love. I have grown more comfortable in questioning myself in these matters, even more so following recent life experiences. Some questions have already been answered and in good time I hope many of the others will too. I move forward knowing that all along my journey I will find some of those answers, most likely in unexpected places. To be perfectly honest with you, I hope that what I have chosen to share with you now may give you the support you need to stop avoiding something that would be best not left to get to the “too late moment”. During the summer of 2008, my mother in law was diagnosed with cancer. The prognosis was not encouraging. A variety of treatments delayed what seemed to be and actually was inevitable. In September 2009 we lost a great lady. During those last few months, and even more so in the last few weeks, our family forged many wonderful memories. On a sunny Sunday afternoon, Caroline entered a palliative care unit where we gathered around her for her precious final days. I could not fall asleep that first night after she passed away. I kept thinking and remembering and my heart was heavy and, and, and… I got out of bed and spent the next few hours writing. With all that was racing through my mind and heart, this is what I wrote:
Music is a gift a musician can share with others. Music is a vehicle that can transport love in any of it aspects on its journey to a heart. I shared myself through music on that day. Since then, I too have been receiving… As funeral preparations progressed I wanted to play and sing for Caroline’s life celebration. I knew that I probably would not be able to hold it together for an entire song let alone three; I would have been OK with that. More importantly I needed to be by my wife’s side. I asked about what was being planned for the music selection. It appeared that their thoughts were going in a different direction. I chose not to press the issue, to let it “be”. On Friday evening the family gathered for supper and to finalize some details for the funeral. I was made aware that many had asked if I would be singing at the celebration but were being told that it was not an option as I was family and family should all be together. But the number of requests, requests coming from unexpected places, made it obvious that I should be asked what my thoughts were. Having had time to weigh my desire to sing with my need to be by my wife I offered to record a few songs that could be played during the celebration. Over the course of the next few days I listened to my heart as to which songs I would choose. The first song would be an instrumental melody that I wrote some years ago and played often but had never given it a name, I always thought that I would be writing lyrics for the melody and that the name would come from them. In recent months, upon hearing some instrumental number on the radio, I began wondering how a musician chooses a name for their instrumental piece as I thought that without lyrics the feelings surrounding the piece could be lost on the listener. Strangely, this question remained unanswered but I kept pondering it often in passing. The first piece I played for Caroline in her hospital room that Wednesday morning was my unnamed instrumental. Within the first few notes my eyes welled up with tears as my heart grew heavy and the words “A melody for Caroline” came to mind. This instrumental now had a name, a dedication to someone I love. Most of those that will hear it in the future may never know how it received its name… That is OK. The second song I chose is a piece I wrote many years ago. I play this song every time I perform. I knew I had to choose this one but I had a reservation with choosing it. At issue for me was the last line of the chorus. Over the course of a few days I kept wrestling with this. Then a voice in my heart said to just record it. I set up my trusty L1 Classic in the living room along with my H2 recorder. As I began to record, a new fourth line came to be and now the song was perfect for the occasion. Some say that it is not about the destination but all about the journey and living in the now. How often do we avoid certain paths that present themselves on our personal journey? If we are lucky, after having circumvented a path, a similar path will present itself, again so that we may gain the wisdom and the love that only its challenges can offer our hearts. I hope that I will continue to have the courage to choose wisely. Thank you for taking some of your precious time to read this. Mark |
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Dear Mark,
Thank you for every precious word. ST |
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My niece had a baby girl this past summer on the day her grandmother passed away. I wrote a song for her and her new daughter. This brought back many memories of that moment, and how the words just fell into place. Thanks Mark for sharing this with all of us. Roy
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Thank you, Mark...
 Tres <>< virb.com/tresblackmusic Bose L1 Model II double bass, T1 Taylor GS8 |
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Once in a while you read something that just touches your heart. It brings back feelings you thought you had forgotten.
This was one of those moments and I want to thank you for it Mark. Rick |
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Hi Mark,
I read your post earlier today just after it was posted. I've come back several times to read it again, and to dwell for a while in that emotion that first tears, then mends the heart that is broken when a loved one leaves this world. On December 23rd last year my mother asked me to come to, what would be, my fathers death bed and sing for a while. I spent about an hour with Dad, singing his favorite gospel songs and watching as his weatherd and weakened hands tapped time on his thigh. He was so proud of me, especially when I sang in his Church. On Christmes day, Dad was on the sofa. Mother had placed a chair where each of us, throughout the day, could sit close and have conversation. Dad seemed strong and thourghly enjoyed the day, He kept a smile on his face and showed his normal dry wit, when he wasn't involved in those quiet, private conversations he had with each of his children. As the day wore on it was apparent he needed rest so one by one we said goodby and left. I had planned to go to Florida to play golf the day after Christmas and Dad knew that. I hugged him and said, "I'll see you in a couple of days" He said, "You and Fred going to play Golf?" "Yes, we're leaving in the morning." "Where are you going?" "Tampa" "Have a good time." Dad never played a round of golf in his life, but for as long as I could remember he watched it on TV. He had an appreciation for the game, and would sit and listen to my brother, brother in law and me as we told our golf tales and bragged about how bad we beat the other, I always thought he was happiest when I won. Day after Christmas. What should have been a quick 4 1/2 hour flight turned into 14 1/2 hours. Atlanta was backed up so much there wasn't even standing room. I'd never seen such a mess. Finally about 1:30 in the morning on the 27th we got into our rooms just outside Tampa. We had a Tee time at 7:00 so I was up and waiting for the continental breakfast at 6:00 when the phone rang. I looked at the caller. It was my brother. I figured he was just calling me to hassle me about golf so I didn't answer. Then there was a message, so I called voicemail. I didn't need to listen I knew at the sound of my neices voice that Dad was gone. We didn't have a lot of options at that moment and I thought the best place for me to deal with my thoughts would be on the course, so off we went. It was a beautiful morning, great to be in a warm place. The rising sun, a golf course covered up with birds, there were flowers everywhere, and I could peacefully walk through and let my mind wander over 58 years. After the round we stopped to eat and got on the phone trying to figure what the family needed from me, when we could get on a plane back home etc. Because there was such a backlog of delayed flights and people sitting, they couldn't promise anything that day, we could go to the airport and sit and wait for a maybe, or they would try to guarantee a booking and let us know. We asked for the guarantee and went looking for a golf course. The first place we stopped was full so we went on down the road to the course where I had played my first round of golf some 15 years previous. We asked for a tee time and the pro said, "I can get you out in about 40 minutes" We went back to the car to collect clubs and shoes and the pro came around the corner and said, "There's a twosome going off now, they don't mind if you join them, if you want." As we rushed to get our shoes on and make our way to the first tee, the pro said, "the big guys name is John G." My fathers name is John G. There are no words that can express all that went through my mind in that second it takes to say, John G. The twosome were devout Christians, as my father was. They had been turned away from the same golf course we had tried to play before coming here. It was sensory overload. I managed to birdie the first hole, but settled down and played my normal bogey golf after that. I have never felt the presence of someone else in my life like I did for those few hours on the course that day. We had a good time. From time to time something will happen that brings it all back again, and I feel that presence. It can be joyful and it can be sad, but it's always welcome. He's been with me today Mark. Thanks. I hope you don't mind sharing this space with me. O.. Several years ago I wrote a song for my Dad on Father's day. He was the first person I ever saw play "air" guitar. All his life he kept time to the music holding his hand as if there was a guitar pick in it. I hold my guitar pick the way my father played air guitar. Here is the story. All true, except my Mother said they were not making payments on the guitar, but that's the way I remember it; From the middle of a back seat Where I fought for my own space I could see his hands on the steering wheel In the mirrow I could see his face All the way to church on Sunday morning Back home in the afternoon If the radio was playin Then Daddy was pickin too. Daddy would strum on the steering wheel as he drove down the road Pretending to play guitar Like the one he used to own Way back in the fifties When I was just a kid I can still remember it laying In the middle of a made up bed It was big and black and shiny And the top was sunburst He'd bought it down at Montgomery Wards Payments were due on the first But the work ran out at the steelmill and all the money was gone Daddy left the house with the guitar and brought some groceries home Daddy was a young man then and he dreamed as young men do He must have thought about Hank and Johnny and Elvis Presley too Although I don't remember I'm sure there was a day When he picked it up and held it pretending like he could play And he might have learned a chord or two If he did he's forgot them now I know he always wanted to play But he never did learn how Daddy would strum on the steering wheel as he drove down the road pretending to play guitar everywhere he'd go He never missed a word or note he was always right on cue If the radio was playing then, Daddy was pickin too Written by LW Lambert 2001 This message has been edited. Last edited by: Oldghm, |
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Mark, I am deeply touched and privileged to share in your experience of love, sorrow and joy. It is amazing how those who move on can help us to build the strength and understanding in times of need.
Thank you and God bless Caroline, Joel |
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Thank you, Mark, for the reminder that music is a gift which becomes most real when we share it.
It only took 2 tissues to get through it. |
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Wonderful post Mark, thank you.
I want to forward a link to this for my friends, with the stipulation not to read it at work unless you like waiting on customers with tears streaming down your face. |
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Thanks, Mark.
Tom |
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Research & Development |
I wish I were a musician.
But then I realize that I can express myself other ways. I wonder what it's like to play a song at a memorial service for a father you love. Or while he's alive knowing he won't be around for long. I was very close to my father-in-law. When I invited myself over to his house for a first date because I'd heard he was a great cook, he made a meal from many countries and made little homemade flags to designate the origin of each dish. We often watched boxing together on TV. He was the only other person I know who liked that. After we'd been married for a while he was diagnosed with a terrible disease and died only a few months later. I wrote a piece for his memorial and asked a cousin to be my second in case I couldn't get through it. Sure enough, only a little bit into my remarks I was overcome by grief. I handed my papers to my cousin. But when he started to read, I immediately realized I had made a mistake. These were my words to my father-in-law and his family. And I knew at that moment that I must read them. I asked for the papers back and finished with a strength I did not know I had. I guess it taught me a lesson that I hear in your story Mark, and yours O. In matters of the heart, put your face into the wind. Thank you so much for sharing these stories with us. Ken |
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Very well written and remembered Mark.
O, great lyric. Makes me wonder about the melody... Funny thing, about an hour ago I was booked to play a funeral reception at a restaurant in two days for somebody's mother. Interesting timing to read all of this. Playing at a funeral reception is a new one for me. Not the funeral part though; in the past four years I saw the passing of my mother, my wife's mother, my wife's brother, my son-in-law's brother, my brother, two sisters and my son-in-law. I'm just past fifty so you can figure out many of these people were younger than me. I'm shocked to see it in writing. When my youngest brother died of cancer, I was asked by his wife to play at his service. I played his favorite song by me that he always requested, Simple Man, the Skynyrd tune. That I was able to get through it was amazing for me. I can't remember ever feeling so much emotion behind every single line of each verse. It's at these times as you've described Mark, that we can truly appreciate the gift we've been given. A gift that has to be given away to others in order to realize its true value. |
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I'm gonna get pilloried for this I realise.
I understand all the emotions and sentiment contained in the post - and subsequent ones. I really do. The passing of a loved one is a terrible, traumatic event that takes time to heal - perhaps never. And the need to share ones thoughts, emotions and grief with others. I don't understand how/why it is on here, a very specific forum for the discussion of manufacturer Bose's L1 Line array systems. I don't suppose it's hurting anyway, just strange in my view. Maybe it's that I'm a Brit, and although no less sentimental, we tend to be less public in our grieving. No offence meant to anyone. |
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Hey SteverUK
I understand what you are saying. In any other forum I would expect not to see a post like this but this is no ordinary forum. Over the years I've been visiting this site I've come to realize this is not just sharing information it is also a gathering of friends. Most of the people here not only share their expertise but also their friendship. Personally, I’m grateful to be part of such a community. I think if you spend some time here you will not only get good solid information but run the chance of developing a bond with some of the folk who have or will help you with your Bose system. Rick |
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Stever,
This forum started out as purely on-topic of the L1®, but as we got to know each other & became a community we decided to allow off-topic threads. I was one of the folks who lobbied for this here. It's only natural as we get to know each other that we want to share more than just our experiences with the L1®. This is especially true as it relates to the way we make our craft of music. If we weren't such a passionate & articulate bunch I don't think you would see the depth of understanding & thoughtful answers posted to the questions posed here. I'm pretty proud of what we've created, & I count myself lucky to be a member of this community. There's still plenty of tech-talk, but occasionally we stray off topic. It's all good. Tom |
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Hi SteverUK,
I think, if I thought someone would pillory me for what I was about to say, I wouldn't say it. Fortunately the rules here do not allow for public ridicule or scorn. So I'll forgive you instead. No pillory here.I have met and know personally all the posters on this thread with the exception of Le5 (Mark), the original poster, Starvin (Rick), and of course you. I feel like I know Mark and Rick because I have been reading and sharing information with them for over 3 years. Hopefully, when you have been here a couple of years you will have friends that you can share a personal thought with, and no one will mind. O.. |
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What a great place this is! It often feels like a family visit.
As I grow older my thirst to discover how things work grows stronger. This is especially true with discovering who I am in the many roles that I play in my daily life; at home, at work, as a man, an uncle, a husband, a son… as a musician. This community has provided plenty of opportunities for me to discover more and more about some of my “truths”. I’m beginning to understand the extent to which music is multidimensional; with its cultural ties, its link to history, the effect it has on our brain, the emotions it can stir, the bonds that are created between the performer and the listener and so on. Many of the posts I have read here over the years have provided much food for thought. I am more and more willing to question different aspects of myself and my relationship with music as a writer and a performer. I believe that as I improve the balance between my physical, emotional and spiritual bodies, I will grow as a musician in ways I have yet to imagine. I spent a little over a year reading many posts within these forums after being first told of the L1 as I wanted to learn more about it, to help me decide if this was a tool for me. I finally purchased my L1 Classic in June 2006 and joined the forum in August 2006. At first my participation was mostly technical. As I kept reading, I was discovering how part of this community was embracing many more aspects of the musical experience. Certain discussions would pique my interest and triggered questions within me. I would begin posting a basic response but then, as I was typing, a flood gate would open and words of deeper emotional understanding would flow in a way very similar to writing a song. I took an emotional risk every time I chose to press the Post Now button. I step outside my comfort zone every time I venture into the emotional side of the musical realm. I thought long and hard before starting this thread. It has been very important for me to share the letter I wrote that evening. Lately, when I am asked how I feel in regards to something, when I answer “I don’t know”, I realize that the reason I don’t know is often because I don’t have a reference point from which to answer. I feel that that letter may provide such a reference point to some of its readers. I feel a kinship, a friendship, evolving with many members of this community; of which many have participated in this thread. My desire to share part of my journey and the letter with my family and friends could not exclude any of you. It is offered as a gift with no strings attached as all gifts should be. I hadn’t thought of this a “public grieving” as I took a leap of faith in making this part of my journey public. What a great question I now have to add to my list. I am touched and enlightened by the various responses, the sharing of stories and of how this links to some of your special moments. Even the responses with a simple thank you have enormous value. As I mentioned in this post, there are no strings attached except for the strings that intertwine our human hearts. I would hope that all hearts feel welcome. I know that my posts in this thread have a mellow or somber aspect to them. Please know that I am in no way stuck in this mind space but it occasionally serves a good purpose to linger there a few moments as it is often a good place to discover the essence of what matters to my heart. The thought that got me out of bed tonight and inspired this post is: Sometimes on our life journey we keep to the Interstate Highway; technical questions and discussions. Sometimes we exit off the Interstate and meander into the countryside, visit the small towns and villages, smell the flowers, bask in the colours of the fall; sharing musical and life experiences… Mark Edit: punctuation This message has been edited. Last edited by: Le5, |
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SteverUK, you make a valid point.
Any time I post, I try to pause and consider the relevance of what I'm posting. There are tech guys galore here (Hi ST!) who I regularly hit up for information. In that capacity, I can't offer a whole lot. But think about this, if you would; the entire concept of the L1 family (as I understand it) is to bring a performance to people in a better and more listenable way. Technical know-how and musical competence are absolutely necessary components to bring the music forward. But what we're really bringing, I think, is the life experiences, ideas and emotions out. To me at least, music is just background noise and not art without those things. So yes, you are right and I'm not patronizing you. Just offering a backdrop of sorts I hope. We are right as well. I think one of the great things about this forum is that we've managed (with occasional guidance from Bose people such as Ken) to walk a line I don't see in other forums; one that allows us to step slightly out of the lines on occasion, knowing that the focus will always veer back on course. For us, the L1 and related products have formed a bond among us over the years that allows a certain honesty. If that sounds slightly corny, all I can say is, it's true. |
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You are right. I have stopped on my travels to see Joel & Tres. Pete aka drumr and his wife just came down for a visit and stayed with us. We are planning later on this year to take a quick trip up to the mountains and are thinking of trying to catch Larry O. Next year is our 30th anniversary and we are planning a trip to Scotland & Ireland. Part of the plan to is to connect with other L1 user. Why – Because of this forum. I forgot. I have never meet Leo Dean face to face but because of this forum we have become good friends. I have booked him twice to fill in for me at my house band gig. Again because of the L1 connection and the caliber of people that are on this forum. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Roy, |
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After reading both of Mark's posts in this thread I realize that he is blessed with the ability to convey intricate, heartfelt emotions in a beautifully poetic manner.
I hope you are doing some writing Mark I think you would be great at it. This is a wonderful thread. Ted |
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